Getting Back Up
by ruebik328328
Summary: What if Olivia Benson was not a Detective, but a victim? Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson meet when Elliot investigates her case. Olivia deals with her recovery and a relationship between the two blossoms.
1. Chapter 1

**This is an Alternate Universe Fanfiction I thought about writing out of the blue. In this story, Olivia Benson is not part of the NYPD. She becomes a victim and the story focuses on Olivia's recovery and a relationship between her and Elliot Stabler which blossoms from the result of him investigating her case. Please leave comments and constructive criticism!**

**Disclaimer: I am not Dick Wolf. I do not own Law and Order: SVU. Please don't sue!**

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><p>Elliot Stabler received a call on his mobile long after the sun had disappeared into the starry darkness. Glancing at the battered, scratched screen which had been dropped too many times, he nudged his partner. A call from Mercy General Hospital this late usually meant they had a case to solve.<p>

John Munch recognized the number on his partner's cell phone and grabbed a voice recorder and an incident report folder, happy to do something productive after a long, long day of paperwork

"Detective Stabler, Special Victims Unit." Elliot answered the call, anticipating rape or domestic abuse.

"_Detectives, this is Nurse Davies. You are required at the Intensive Care Unit concerning the rape and assault of a thirty-four year old female._" Elliot had met the recent graduate on prior cases and she was known for her surprising maturity and calmness put victims at ease.

"We'll be right over, Detective Munch and I." Elliot mouthed _rape _to Munch and he nodded.

"_There's a slight problem. The victim said she would feel more comfortable speaking with a female Detective and unless you or Detective Munch are transvestites or have had sex changes I am not yet aware of, you'll need another detective_." Even during tense situations, Nurse Davies still maintained her quirky comments and comebacks.

Elliot's brow furrowed slightly. Out of a habit formed a few years ago, he rubbed a silver coin which was sitting at the bottom of his pocket. His lucky coin, acquired a couple of years ago. The only female detective in the Special Victims Unit department was Monique Jefferies and she was on an overnight stakeout with her partner, Fin Tutuola.

"Detective Jefferies isn't available but we'll find a solution. See you in a few." Elliot hung up and turned to his partner. "Problem. The Vic wants to speak with a female Detective, but Monique's busy."

Munch thought for a few seconds. "What about Cabot? She's alright with victims, knows the law and female. At least I hope she is….."

Elliot rolled his eyes. Munch was a good detective, but his conspiracy theories involving massive lies and such were getting old. Just before the call from Nurse Davies, he was telling Elliot that NASA was run by aliens, using rocket science as a cover for abducting humans and swapping them with Extra-Terrestrial lookalikes.

"As much as it crushes your imagination, I think our A.D.A is female. Speaking of the devil, hello Alex. We need you to do us a favour." Elliot greeted Alexandra Cabot who had come back from the D.A's office for a meeting.

"Why do you doubt my gender? Anyway, what favour do you want me to do?" Alex narrowed her eyes in suspicion. The detectives mostly stayed out of her way when they could. Alex knew herself that she was not the most pleasant person to be around, especially when there was a stressful case going on.

"It's our newest case. Thirty-four year old woman raped and assaulted. She would like to speak with a female Detective, but Jefferies is out with Fin. Would you mind coming to Mercy with us?" Elliot hoped Alex would agree for the sake of the victim.

Alex nodded slowly and Elliot and Munch sighed in relief. Alex was often too busy to go to the hospital to see the victims and she deemed it unnecessary. "Anything else on the victim that will help me with talking to her?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I am not Dick Wolf. I do not own Law and Order: SVU. Please don't sue!**

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><p>Elliot pulled up at Mercy General Hospital and got out, followed by Alex and Munch. Elliot flashed his badge at the receptionist, who had pulled her platinum blonde hair back into an uncomfortably tight-looking bun. "Manhattan SVU, concerning a sexual assault." Elliot spoke in a no-nonsense tone he reserved for investigations.<p>

"Nurse Davies is with the victim, Olivia Benson. Room twenty- nine, walk down the corridor and turn right," The receptionist said after a moment of tapping on her keyboard.

The trio headed down the corridor.

"Alex, I think you should go in first. We'll wait outside." Munch gestured at the door and Alex nodded.

_Just do what you normally do when interviewing victims in court, _she told herself. Her job required her to be rather cold and sometimes people called her heartless. Despite her cool demeanor, even Alexandra Cabot found talking to victims difficult.

No matter how many times she told herself to stay detached, she would always get too involved. Bend the rules to put the perps behind bars. Spend hours berating herself over psychopaths who were free to walk the streets and make another victim's life hell.

Alex was busy, but a lot of the time when she was asked to personally see the victims, she lied. She would pretend to be unavailable. It was far beyond her being unsympathetic. She had her own reasons.

Alex knew that if she was with the victims the first time they recounted the rape, failure would not be an option. Once she heard their anguished sobs, looked into their eyes, pictured the bastard's sadistic smile, there would be no way she would let him go. Even if it meant taking the law into her own hands.

The first thing that caught Alex's attention was not the victim herself, but her injuries. Exposed by a thin hospital-gown, she could see purple, finger-like bruises on her neck, cuts all over her bare arms and bruises everywhere. Worst of all, half of Olivia Benson's shoulder length brown hair was obscured by a bandage wrapped around her head.

Alex swore not to let Olivia's rape translate into another statistic of uncharged sexual assaults. New York already had too many sex offenders, pedophiles and the like walking free, let alone another sick, twisted rapist who beat the crap out of his victims.

Alex edged towards the woman sitting up on the bed, who stopped talking to Nurse Davies as Alex entered the room.

"Hey. I'm Alex. You're Olivia, right?" Olivia nodded. Nurse Davies got up, whispering to Alex as she left the room.

"I don't think she knew him. She didn't say much. The doctor's finishing up her rape kit. It should be done in half an hour." Nurse Davies had a chat with Olivia, hoping to instill some normality with some small talk. Alex nodded curtly and Nurse Davies took her clipboard and excused herself.

"I'm not a detective but I'm the Assistant District Attorney for Special Victims Unit. The female detective wasn't available, so I'm helping. Are you comfortable enough to tell me what happened today?" Olivia shifted uncomfortably but nodded and Alex sat on a chair next to the bed.

"It was around eight. I left work at six-thirty and went for a run at the park when I got home. I run every evening." Olivia said this with no expression, like she was being detached to protect herself from reality. Alex squeezed her hand and she kept talking.

"He came up behind me, put a blind fold over my eyes and pushed me on the floor. It was really cold and it was already dark, so there wasn't anyone else around. Oh, god...I shouldn't have gone. How many times have I been told not to go out alone at night?" Olivia turned away from Alex, her detached façade no longer apparent. Alex understood this, many victims of raped blamed themselves.

"Olivia. Look at me. No one, absolutely no one, deserves to be raped. No matter how late they're out, it wasn't their fault. It's the perps fault so don't blame yourself." Olivia nodded and she prepared herself to keep going.

"I know I shouldn't, and it _was_ his fault but I just can't let it go. He's calm. Dangerously calm. Almost like he was very experienced, or just had this planned out a long time ago. He called me pet names. '_Honeybun_' , '_sweetiepie_'... Anyway, after he blindfolded me, he started kissing me. He pinned me down. I could feel a metal blade against my neck. He whispered to me, '_Sweetie pie, if you struggle, I'll slit your throat. So be good. Behave for daddy.' "_

Olivia paused, kept herself from breaking down by taking steady, deep breaths.

I stopped struggling, and he said I was a good girl. Then he said that '_good girls made their father's happy'_ and I was going to make him happy. His hands were everywhere and then he raped me." Olivia struggled to maintain her composure, and Alex squeezed her hand again.

"What about the cuts and bruises?"

"That was after the rape. He used the knife. I think he's a sociopath. I can just tell…. It's in his behavior." As Olivia talked about the man and his behavior, her voice got stronger. Less fragile, as if she was getting back up from a woman's worst nightmare.

"Psychopathy is a dangerous mental disorder. What makes you suspect that?" Alex did not like sounding skeptical, but it was true that a lot of victims accused their attackers of having mental defects.

"Alex, I'm a criminal psychologist. Have been for almost nine years. I've studied countless psychopaths, sociopaths and the lot. His attack matched the diagnostics. He was calm, prepared and I could tell he felt no remorse. The blindfold proved that he prepares for attacks." She drew in a deep breath.

"Anyway, back to the rape. He started the physical assault after the rape. He cut my arms first. Slashes up and down. He was whispering to me, telling me everything he was going to do. He started choking me. I couldn't breathe. Said a '_slut like me'_ deserved it. He slapped my face and he grabbed my head and then he slammed it on the ground. That was the last thing I remember before waking up here." Olivia gestured around the room.

Alex was silent her for a few seconds, absorbing the information. "Did you recognize the man? Maybe you know him? Is his voice or his manner of speech familiar?"

Olivia shook her head. She would remember that unfamiliarly cold voice and the laugh, which was still ringing in her ears, for the rest of her life.

"Olivia, I know this is hard, but can you tell the detectives what you told me? I'll stay here if you need me. They just need to take your statement so we can start the investigation as soon as we can."

Olivia reluctantly agreed, knowing that the rapist would probably put more women through the same situation if he was not stopped soon.

"Let them in now, I'm ready to talk." Olivia forced herself to slowly breathe in and out, failing to slow down her thudding heart, so emotionally broken out she was surprised it still functioned.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I am not Dick Wolf. I do not own Law and Order: SVU. Please don't sue!**

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><p>Elliot leaned against the sterile hospital wall, watching as Alex entered the room to talk to Olivia Benson. Munch took out a Rubik's cube, twisting and turning it.<p>

"You know, if you can't do it, you don't have to pretend. There's no one here to impress anyway." Elliot commented on Munch's fruitless attempts at solving the multicolored cube.

"I would like to see _you_ try." Munch usually got along with his younger partner, and they occasionally exchanged playful banter.

"Sure. Hand it over." Elliot smirked and took the Rubik's Cube, twisting. In two minutes, the cube was solved. Elliot's cocky smile grew and Munch felt a twitch of annoyance. Luckily for Munch his phone rang.

"911, you have reached John Munch. State your emergency." Munch answered the phone in a slightly sing-song voice.

"Munch, this is Cragen speaking. We need you to follow up on Humphrey's case. Can you come back to the Precinct? Tell Elliot to stay at the hospital." The Humphrey case started a few weeks ago, Eric Humphrey was a pervert caught photographing under women's skirts.

"I'll be right back. See you in a few." Munch hung up.

"Cragen needs me to go back to the Precinct, something about Eric Humphrey." Elliot nodded. Elliot extended his hand.

"Give me the voice recorder. I'll call you if anything happens." Munch dug his hand into his pocket and withdrew the voice recorder.

Elliot waited for Alex to come out. After about fifteen minutes, the door finally opened. Alex quietly shut the door behind her.

"Olivia's ready to give a statement. She's been through a lot," Alex said sympathetically.

Elliot stepped into the room, Alex behind him. The first thing that drew Elliot's attention was Olivia's eyes. Mesmerizing chocolate orbs, innocent and broken all at once. Someone had told Elliot, that a human's eyes were the outlets of their soul. What did Olivia Benson's express? A mixture of fear, helplessness and trauma.

There was something else though, he though as he stared into her captivating eyes. The tiniest glimmer of strength, hope and resilience, as though she would recover from the degradation she had experienced in the hands of a depraved, cold rapist. She was special. In a strange way, different to the other victims. Elliot Stabler swore to himself that he would catch the guy. He had to.

"Olivia, this is Elliot Stabler. He's a detective. Can you tell him what you told me about the assault so he can take your statement?" Alex asked Olivia softly as Elliot uncapped a black pen. She nodded, drawing in a deep breath and opened her mouth.

Elliot took down Olivia's recount of the assault, his anger growing as Olivia voice grew weaker until it had been reduced to a near silent whisper, hugging her knees to her chest. Talking to Alex was painful enough, but having to tell a maledetective what had happened was too much.

Elliot's amazement grew when her tone changed from the slightest whisper to a confident, professional tone.

"I'm a criminal psychologist. I've work with the police a lot, just not your team, so there are some details about his mental state that I thought were significant. The most important, he has a ninety percent or so chance of being a sociopath. I gathered that his calmness, disregard of laws, preparation and overall behavior stemmed from being a sociopath."

Olivia found being professional helped. She could pretend she wasn't the victim. She could spin a lie in her own head, that she wasn't the one who needed help, that it wasn't her who was in hospital. She was just once again being helpful to the NYPD in a police investigation. If she told herself over and over, she could pretend that her life would go back to normal, helping the police with difficult cases needing her services to analyze the mind-set of a criminal. She would keep living life proudly as Olivia Benson, and nothing could ever change that.

If only.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I am not Dick Wolf. I do not own Law and Order: SVU. Please don't sue!**

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><p>"Detective Stabler, it seems like today's not your lucky day. Your perp wore a condom, and there's no skin or hair cells. He wore gloves, judging from the lack of fingerprints."<p>

As Nurse Davies had promised, the rape kit was finished half an hour after Alex had first talked to Olivia. Elliot was speaking to Melinda Warner, the new Medical Examiner at Mercy.

"So no DNA? What about the condom? Did that leave anything behind?" They needed hard, physical evidence to make up for no witnesses .Elliot hoped they would strike lucky and the rape would be an open-and-shut case.

Closure played a significant part in the healing process of all cases, but Elliot had feeling Olivia needed closure a lot more than other victims. She, being a criminal psychologist, would want to get to the bottom of the perp's mind, try and understand the reason behind the attack.

"Sorry. There was nothing. Your perp was meticulous." Doctor Warner was slightly frustrated at the rapist's neatness.

"I guess we don't have any leads for now. Thanks anyway, Doc." Elliot walked back to Olivia's room, and met Alex outside.

"Any leads from Warner? Olivia wanted some time on her own, and she's practically told us everything, so I told her we would find her later if we needed to talk again."

Elliot was mildly surprised at her rare interest in the investigation. Usually Alex only was involved in investigation when they had a suspect at the Precinct, long after visiting the hospital. Regretfully, he shook his head. "No physical evidence, no witnesses and a blindfolded victim."

"Right. So we're looking for a neat rapist who we could bet our money on being a sociopath and we have nothing else on him."

"Exactly right, counselor. We should get back to the Precinct before Cragen accuses us if skimping off work." Elliot began making his way towards the car park, nodding a farewell at Nurse Davies as they passed her. He asked her to look out for Olivia during her short stay. She was staying overnight so the doctors could make sure her concussion did not cause brain damage. Nurse Davies sensed Elliot felt different towards Olivia than to other victims, so she agreed.

Alex desperately needed to catch the perp. She had all but promised Olivia that he wouldn't walk free after they caught him. She knew she already was committed too much into the case. She hated cases becoming too personal. She was dubbed by her colleagues and the press as the '_Ice_ _Queen'_ of the courtroom.

Her cold attitude sometimes scared the cowardly suspects, some even would confess after she threatened them with a harsh sentence. She couldn't allow a case which was too personal destroy her reputation. Her reputation as the cold, calculating, unrelenting persecutor was strangely one of the few things she was proud of. Personal ties to victims could be used by the defense against her. It had happen to her colleagues before and she was not going to let sexual predators see daylight due to her personal behavior on the case.

That still didn't stop her from giving Olivia her number though. Alex recalled the surprise on Olivia's face as she scrawled her home and mobile number on the back of her business card. She hoped Olivia would forget about the card. Throw it away, even. If Olivia did call her, the defense would have an Ace up their sleeve. That was _if _they caught him. No witnesses, no DNA and a blindfolded victim. The prospects of actually slapping the handcuffs on the perpetrator were not looking good.

She didn't exactly know why she had given Olivia her number. That was a first. Contact with victims was on her list of things she couldn't do, behind dating her colleagues. It wasn't exactly regret which settled into Alex's mind. The feeling was more like unease. If Olivia turned to her as someone confide in, what would happen if she failed her? Would she blame her for the creep still walking around Manhattan?

As they drove back to the Precinct, Alex was quiet, not her usual self. Her Ice Queen façade had temporarily melted. The air was filled with a thick, heavy silence. Elliot knew the blonde ADA's change of attitude stemmed from the visit to Olivia. She probably felt the case was becoming too personal.

Elliot didn't blame her. He had a burning desire to catch the perp. In fact, as soon as Elliot laid eyes on Olivia Benson, he knew whoever hurt her, put her in pain, he would never forgive.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I am not Dick Wolf. I do not own Law and Order: SVU. Please don't sue!**

**Thanks for everyone who reviewed, added this to their favorite stories, added this to their Story Alert Subscriptions or just supported me in general.**

Olivia Benson's head was throbbing. The deafening pounding in her ears was beating in rhythm to the pain originating at the back of her head. The pain, she thought, which had manifested when _someone _slammed her head against the asphalt at Liberty Park's jogging track.

She quietly let out a frustrated sigh, willing herself not to think of _him. _Blocking out the traumatic day she'd gone through was difficult. She couldn't sleep. The comforting darkness was no longer her safety blanket as it always was. When she closed her eyes, all she could think about was him. The solid darkness behind her eyelids was too similar to the blindfold, eliciting flashbacks of the assault.

Before today, Olivia always thought darkness signified peace. Memories drifted in and out when she closed her eyes, sneaking in with the pitch black she had once enjoyed. They were mostly memories of the assault. When she was a child, she would squeeze her eyes shut and block her ears. Even as an adult, when everything became all too much for Olivia, she would close her eyes and bury her face in the darkness of her hands. It was an attempt, in vain, to forget the gaping hole she was left with on one of the worst days of her life.

How come she could still hear him, the quiet laugh and the pet names he had used? Why did she feel his cold hands, snaking down her waist? Why was his breath still hot on her neck? Who was he?

The last question had all but burned a hole through Olivia's weary mind. She was exhausted but even at two in the morning, she could not shake him out of her mind. The cuts on her arms probably would scar but even without physical reminders, she would never forget the attack.

He was there when she shut her eyes. He would sneak up to her behind the veil of darkness. The stifling air smelt like him so she held her breath. She refused oxygen until her lungs burned and she could see black spots. When she had to surface for air, she would sharply inhale through her mouth and keep holding her breath.

As she sat through the darkness of the night, hugging her knees to her chest, she sorted through the confused thoughts in her head. She thought of her mother and her brother and the living nightmare which had completely altered her life.

She thought of eventful day which had led her to choosing the difficult career as a criminal psychologist. She could still see the blank stares her mother and younger brother had as she saw them on the floor. Their glassy eyes were matched by pools of blood around them. She hated the color red after that day, remembering she lost all she had as she stepped into the chillingly silent house that afternoon.

Twenty-one stab wounds on both of them. The police caught the murderer after two weeks. He was a deranged psychopath, Serena and Simon Benson being the first victims of his would-be killing spree. Olivia tried to be emotionless after that, shunning away friends from her former life. She threw all her time, patience and effort into studying. When she wasn't at university or at the library, she was working at the diner next to campus to make ends meet. It was an exhausting schedule she forced herself through every day, but it was a good for numbing the unbearable pain.

Olivia Benson was not overly ambitious and she had not grown up knowing exactly what job she wanted but after the cremation she knew what she wanted to be. She was going to be a psychologist. A criminal psychologist, to be exact. The headache caused by thinking of what course to take at university the following year was gone.

The headache however, was replaced by an aching heart, which more than a decade later, still had not left. Work had done a good job numbing her broken heart, but under all those layers she had built over her raw emotions, she still missed her mother and Simon as much as she had sixteen years ago.

She had packed her bags and moved to a small apartment close to the centre of Manhattan when the investigation was over. The house was undisturbed, she could not bear packing away possessions belonging to her departed mother and kid brother, let alone selling the sanctuary she had grown up in. She had not returned to the house since. Olivia had moved by herself into a big city, with no friends or family. She had no one to care for, and no one to care for her.

After the murders she stopped talking to her friends. They still phoned her once in a while and invited her to outings and parties, but she answered phone calls in monotones and didn't return missed ones. She would be 'too busy' to attend birthday parties and shopping trips. It wasn't long before Olivia realized she hadn't really had a proper chat to any of her friends in a long time. That didn't bother her though, living in solitude was easier than listening to her friends complain about petty details in their shallow lives.

What had made her deserve a life like this? First the murders of the two she loved the most, and now the rape? Reality was what some mentally disturbed criminals Olivia had studied yearned for, committed heinous acts to feel 'real' and alive. Did it make sense that reality was what Olivia wanted to avoid? She wanted this all to be a dream, to wake up safely in bed with her mother gently shaking her awake.

Olivia was pulled out of her deep thoughts by the beeping of the digital clock on the bedside table beside her. It was three now.

It was going to be a long night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I am not Dick Wolf. I do not own Law and Order: SVU. Please don't sue!**

**Thanks for reading and supporting this story!**

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><p>It was still dark in Elliot's apartment when he woke up with a start. Rolling over from his side onto his back, he lifted his head to see the clock on the wall. It was only four. He sat up, stretching. He would have to get up soon anyway for his daily run. He thought of why he had woken suddenly. He had been startled by a dream that he could not recall.<p>

Padding through the tiled apartment, Elliot sighed as he realized again how empty and quiet it was without Kathy. They had been together for eight years. He still vividly remembered how compassionate she was helping children out of the school bus the first time they met. He was only an officer, alerted to the collision of a school bus.

At the end of his shift Elliot saw her waitressing at the cafe opposite the bus crash site. He made his way up to 'Sunshine Cafe'. The cafe was nearly empty except for a pair of lovebirds holding hands, watching the sunset and drinking coffee. It dawned upon Elliot that it was near closing time.

She had, he noticed, sparkling hazel eyes that danced around as she smiled at him.

"This way, sir. Would you like anything to drink?" She asked him as she pulled out a note pad and uncapped a pen tucked behind her ears.

He thought for a few seconds. He had consumed almost five cups of coffee since waking up at the crack of dawn for his twelve hour shift. He wouldn't be able to sleep if he had another cup so close to sundown. "Green tea, please."

Kathy smiled and made her way to the counter. She took two mugs, placed tea bags inside them and filled them with hot water. It was very late in the afternoon and the cafe wasn't busy. While she was making the tea, she turned to Elliot.

"Did they figure out the cause of the crash? I heard the wheels screeching and the alarm so I went outside to see what was going on." Kathy carried the mugs back to Elliot's table and set one next to him. She blew on the surface of her own and took a sip.

"Thanks. It was a faulty braking system. The engine oil leaked into the system." Elliot noticed they both drank tea the same way, blowing the steam away on the surface and taking taking tiny mouthfuls.

"You were very good with the children today," Elliot commenting on how she had comforted the scared children.

"I was just being a community member, no big deal, Officer..." Kathy trailed off, not knowing what to call him.

"Stabler, Elliot Stabler. And you are?" Elliot wanted to put a name to the stunning blonde in front of him.

"Kathy. My friends own this café and I own partial shares. I work here on weekends, Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays." Kathy offered her hand to Elliot. He shook it, laughing to himself. She really was special. Not many women he knew initiated handshakes during introductions.

From that day on, Elliot visited her at the cafe whenever he could, helping her cleanup at the end of the day. She had refused to let him help at the beginning, but he insisted. They shared long conversations paired with endless mugs of tea. They enjoyed each other's silent company as much as their chatty ones. It took Elliot courage he did not know he had to ask her out. He was surprised she didn't have a boyfriend yet. They were both twenty-eight when they met, starting to look at settling down.

He remembered the day he had been itching to ask. There was a new movie out which she had mentioned to him, that she thought sounded interesting. He waited until all the dishes were stacked and he had put up the chairs. She was watching him, causally leaning against the counter.

"Elliot, you know the movie I mentioned to you a few weeks ago? I'm free on Friday night, and the thing is, I kind of want you come with me. Are you free on Friday?" Kathy asked him in a rush of words, holding her breath. She waited for him to laugh at her, to brush her off like other men had.

Elliot was amazed. He had wanted to ask her out for so long, only to be beaten in his own game by her. She really was special, he realized. He could feel his heart thumping against his rib cage as he leaned towards her. They stared at each other with such intensity that Elliot could see heart and soul mirrored by Kathy's hazel eyes.

Even now he could feel Kathy's pulse beating like a drum as he took her hand and kissed her wrist. Tucking her hair behind her ear, he would always remember uttering two words in her ears that made her heart soar.

"I'm free."

Shaking himself out of his flashback, Elliot sighed. The first few years with Kathy had been perfect and he reminded himself that good things never lasted. They had separated on amicable terms and they both knew they were not meant for each other. Although he and Kathy weren't meant to be together, he enjoyed her company. It was hard enough to stay sane after long hours dealing with all kinds of sick bastards, let alone returning home to an empty apartment.

Later when he was out running, it occurred to him why he had suddenly woken up. It wasn't because of what he had dreamt. It was what he _hadn't. _Since Kathy left one month ago, he had spent every night stuck in a nightmare. Every night he would wake up drenched in perspiration, panting as though he had been running. In his nightmare he was stuck in a dark maze, all alone. He was running, but what he was running from he was not aware of. The night before was the first time in a long time he had not woken up afraid of being alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I am not Dick Wolf. I do not own Law and Order: SVU. Please don't sue!**

**Thanks for reading and supporting this story!**

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><p>Olivia trudged her way up to her apartment, keeping her head down and avoiding as many of her neighbors as she could. The doctor had given her the all clear and she'd signed herself out after fare welling Nurse Davies, who had checked on her several times during the evening.<p>

In the cab she had made a mental list of what she was going to do when she got home. She had memorized it and repeated it to herself over and over. The list distracted her from being suspicious of the cab driver, an elderly, balding male. Less than twenty-four hours ago, Olivia wouldn't have thought twice about the driver, but an unhealthy dose of paranoia had developed overnight.

The first thing she did after locking the door and drawing the curtains tightly shut was phone work. _'Mind over Matter'_ was a mental health clinic Olivia worked for. She was their leading criminal psychologist, treating patients with criminal records and violent tendencies. The police often employed her services to help analyze a suspect's actions and its causes. Apparently, one of the "higher-ups" of the NYPD was related to Doctor Kevin Berkley, Mind over Matter's owner and founder.

She had been told by her superiors numerous times that with her amount of dedication and diligence, she could be at a top hospital if she wanted to. The opportunities to aid in police investigations were what made her stay. The golden moments in which Olivia had helped with an investigation filled the hollow gap of her missing heart for a few seconds. She was willing to work anywhere just for those moments she would not feel empty.

She dialed Berkley's number although usually, she phoned his secretary. Berkley's connections with the NYPD probably meant he was already advised of her situation and she wanted as little people as possible to know the whole story. Her mouth went dry as she pressed the call button. Luckily for her, instead of hearing her boss's calm, "shrink" voice, the call went to voicemail. Olivia remembered that Berkley was scheduled to talk at a psychological seminar with college kids. He must have turned his mobile off.

"Kevin, it's me, Olivia. I have some personal issues I have to attend to so I won't be coming for about a month. Sorry about the rush, but it's kind of an emergency. Take it as nine years' worth of unclaimed vacation and sick leave. I'll call when I'm coming back."

She sighed after she hung up. First job done. Second on her list was to take shower, something she had been itching to do ever since the sun rose. She undressed as the water heated up, avoiding the mirror. She knew that even seeing the slightest of a bruise would bring her back to last night. The steaming hot water hit her as soon as she stepped in the shower, washing away the remnants of his suffocating scent. Hopefully all of him was erasable. She scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was raw, bright red from the sponge forcibly dragged back and forth her delicate skin.

The logical sector of her brain knew it would take much, much more than a long shower to rid the painful memories planted by him. However, a newfound voice in Olivia's head she knew had manifested from last night told her it was okay to think like a victim.

She stood in the water after she cleansed herself, basking in the warmth. Here she finally let her tears go, releasing the bittersweet moisture that had been kept in until she was alone. It was easier to cry when the water merged with physical proof of her pain and fear. She sobbed, losing the little control she held over her destroyed soul. She collapsed, curling up in a tight ball with her back pressed to the slippery wall, hugging her knees.

She stayed like that until she stopped crying. Almost immediately after the sobs subsided, she grew angry. Angry at herself for being weak. She was fully independent, had been ever since she was eighteen. She was letting him destroy her, like the shattered victim she had sworn on her family's grave she would never become,

The water finally went cold, forcing Olivia out of the shower. Although she dearly wanted to stay under to the comforting, water cold water was not something she enjoyed. She dried herself in the safety of her room, disappointment seeping through her veins as she realized something.

She still felt dirty. Dirty even after spending almost two hours in the shower. Dirty after throwing away the clothes she had worn last night. Dirty, after brushing her teeth for more than ten minutes in an attempt to brush away the vile sensation of tongue shoved into her mouth. Unfamiliar with dread she had not felt since the funeral, her heart sunk. No matter how much she tried, she always would have memories of him. He had branded her with his very own kind of poker, leaving scars she would never be rid of.


End file.
